Dear Curator,
My ex reconnected after 6 years. In this time, he got married, had a kid and is now divorced. I have been married for 2 years and I don’t have any children. We met up for drinks, and ended up spending the night together. We have been texting and talking regularly. He wants to get back together and the thought is tempting. But my husband is a good guy and I don’t have any reason to leave him. I am confused. Please help.
Like in all cheating, there is an unmet need that your ex seems to be fulfilling. Cheating is not about poor self control or lust. Cheating is often a need for adventure, a need to reconnect to our old self or simply a need for feeling wanted and needed. At The Intimacy Curator we bucket these in a broader need for autonomy. It is often a lifetime challenge to balance it out with the other side of our human craving: connection.
What do you feel when you reach out to your ex? What type of emotional reward do you get after speaking to him? We often risk stability, safety and love for a moment of excitement and adventure because we are desperate to feel something. What do you feel when you are with your ex? Do you feel attractive, desired, appreciated, carefree, powerful? Maybe these are feelings that give you a sense of freedom, transformation and self-discovery – no wonder you are tempted to leave everything. Most of us enter a relationship because we desire the security and consistency of connection but we tend to forget about our very essential need for autonomy, or a separate self.
We often risk stability, safety and love for a moment of excitement and adventure because we are desperate to feel something.
Your ‘affair’ is a search for an unknown part you want to explore – a new aspect of you, or something you have lost on the way. Often, we take up such a big risk, that of hurting our loved one, because we are running away from our current self and not our current partner. Before making any abrupt decisions look at the feelings and needs you are trying to fulfil, maybe with the help of a professional. There are many ways for you to achieve them whether with your ex, your husband, with someone else or on your own.
Often, we take up such a big risk, that of hurting our loved one, because we are running away from our current self and not our current partner.
You say your husband is a good guy but that often can become a deterrent when we are looking for excitement. He could unknowingly have become boring because he has been trying to make you feel safe all this time. We often adopt roles in a relationship and miss out on being authentic because of conditioning. Maybe he is performing the ‘good guy husband’ but deep inside wants to be set free too. While going on your self discovery journey check in with him too. Partners often sense that something is off.
‘Affairs’, especially clandestine ones, are very painful and can leave very deep emotional scars especially for those at the receiving end.
‘Affairs’, especially clandestine ones, are very painful and can leave very deep emotional scars especially for those at the receiving end. The emotional wounds will leave us bitter, distrusting and heartbroken. Your husband’s heartbreak not only will leave him in shambles for years but will also make you feel ashamed and guilty. Be sure of what you are looking for before dragging other parties into this emotional turmoil. You will be ready to address this with your husband once your emotional needs are laid in front of you. Who knows, he might be open to practice a consensual non-monogamous marriage with you.
