The first time I had the need to negotiate boundaries in a scene with someone was almost 18 years ago. I feel ancient already, heh. But over almost the last two decades, I have negotiated so many scenes that it has become almost second nature. Additionally, because it has been with different people, it has enabled and empowered me to read between the lines when needed.
Frankly, unlike what a lot of people might think, there’s no right or wrong way to negotiate a scene. It totally depends—on your experience, the person you’re going to play with, the activities you want to try, the general dynamic, the mood in the moment.
When I was younger, my negotiation was simpler. I would listen to my gut, and I would list my hardest limits. But in truth, I didn’t really know many of my k!nk limits, except the obvious ones, which were mostly extreme play and disgust fetishes. That was because I had played so little. I did, however, know my vanilla limits—no photography, no video, no exchange of information about my real name, profession, workplace, etc. Especially because I met most of my play partners through online communities.
However, I valued the support of friends, and referrals. And I must admit I was lucky to have received this. There were close friends from the k!nk community who I could make my safe call. There were others who would listen to my experiences and share perspective without judging me.
Over time, I learned to negotiate better. I learned about safe words, safe calls. I learned to say no to someone who would not agree to the practice of safe words and safe calls. No matter who they were. No matter who referred them to me. No matter where they came from. No matter what their claim to fame was.
I also discovered how to negotiate aftercare for myself, because I realized that different Doms and tops looked at aftercare differently. The amount of aftercare they offered, the kind and quality of activities that they may or may not consider as aftercare, were as different as the people themselves.
It is true that as a cis-het woman, who still continues to mainly identify as a submissive but who never identified as a slave, my negotiations happened primarily with cis-het male Doms. However, in the latter part of my journey, I realized that my knowledge helped me make my play safe for my subs. The fact that I had experienced some failed negotiations too, sensitized me better to my subs.
I have a detailed process, but I also sometimes use a short-cut. However, I have realized that while the shortcut is efficient in establishing safety and boundaries, it can lead to disappointment instead of fulfillment sometimes. So, here’s an insight into the steps I take to negotiate a session with someone I might be playing with for the first few times:
- I establish the ground rules related to consent, frequency of communication, preferred mode of communication (Phone, WhatsApp, messages, email, or Telegram etc.—whatever works for the two of us).
- I also emphatically discuss safe words, safe calls, and reciprocity. Since I dabble in k!nk asexually most of the time, I am not fussy about STDs/STIs at this stage. But hygiene is important. However, if we are planning to be together as anything more than asexual k!nk partners, I request and share test reports/important updates as applicable.
- Next, I do a preliminary compatibility check with them. Are we both clear about who will be the Dom and who the sub in the session? Are we connecting with an intention to just play once, or do we want to create something sustainable and a series of multiple interactions? Are we planning to build a new relationship? Are our experience levels, availability, distance, etc., aligned or not?
- I usually request a new partner to share with me their BD$M test result. There are quite a few free tools available online, and I request one of those results. I am aware that this is not a foolproof method to test alignment, but it is definitely indicative if done in the right spirit.
- I request a detailed checklist of hard limits from them. I also like to discuss my own hard limits. I have found over time that discussing why something is a hard limit helps a lot. It helps the two parties know each other better and to empathize with each other’s preferences.
- I prefer to meet people in social settings or in public places like cafes, restaurants, etc., for the first few times before I trust them with my body and safety. It allows both of us to know and observe each other better.
- When we finally agree to play, we talk about the ambiance, the activities, toys, space (your place or mine or hotel conversations), and the expenses involved. I am very happy to share the expenses, but I do not hold it against them if they want to foot the entire bill. However, whatever the financial expense and its distribution, my first few sessions are absolutely no guarantees. I prefer to start slow and steady in the physical space.
Most importantly, I keep an open mind, but I don’t switch off my brain. Whether it’s casual play, a relationship, or even a friendship, I have hard limits about a few things such as consumption of alcohol and drugs, grooming younger play partners, safe calls, and safe words. I try to look for red flags and do not compromise with these non-negotiables.
My general philosophy is to listen to my gut, to take it slow and steady, and to practice the adage—better safe than sorry. As they say, the devil is in the details, and if I may add to that—the devil is in the details, but so is pleasure!
Till the next time,
Happy k!nking!
Writer Asmi
