Dear Curator,
I have been married for 3 years and although my sex life with my wife is active I end up watching porn almost everyday. I feel guilty about it and have not told her. It feels like cheating and I don’t want to hurt her. I think there is something wrong with me. Please help.
Do you feel hurt or cheated when your wife watches a romantic movie? Watching a movie and fantasising about romance is not cheating and so isn’t watching porn. You have been socialised to believe that self pleasure, and probably a certain type of sex, are bad. The moment you will free yourself from this belief you will feel much more relaxed about talking to your wife about it. And once things are laid out on the table you will be less likely to develop an addiction to porn. Which is what you are afraid of right now.
Watching a movie and fantasising about romance is not cheating and so isn’t watching porn.
Shame, taboos and ‘the prohibited’ stimulate a bunch of neurochemicals that lead to arousal. These make a powerful cocktail that clouds off our thinking rational brain and lightens up our emotional brain – the older part of the brain that works on autopilot. Adding to the mix are some biological and psychological characteristics that make some of us more prone to addiction. And here we have the magic formula: shame around sex+addictive tendencies=porn addiction.
Porn addiction is as common as social media addiction, sugar addiction, exercise addiction, workaholism, alcoholism, etc. Porn watching is much more common. Some addictions are more ‘respectable’ than others but all lead to similar feelings. How to define if you are an addict or just a regular porn watcher? Answering yes to the following questions will give you a hint:
- Is porn your go to activity when you are feeling emotionally low?
- Do you experience negative feelings after the activity?
- Is more than 30% of your mind space occupied with porn?
- Is porn watching having a negative impact on your relationships?
Not everyone who watches porn becomes an addict, just like not all the people who work become workaholics. Why do some people fall in this loop? The desire to watch porn, to check your phone frantically, to eat that extra chocolate, to shop for another t-shirt mostly arise from a neurochemical present in our body called dopamine. Dopamine makes us crave, search, reach out for experiences, objects, people. It is a great chemical our bodies use to discover the world, innovate, seek opportunities, stay alive and conquer. It is not so great when its regulation is compromised by some physiological factors.
Some of us find it more challenging to regulate dopamine cravings and intake because of certain brain structures. A simple shortage of dopamine receptors can in fact make us more prone to addiction. We shop but it never feels enough, we eat, we game, we scroll but are not really satisfied.
Not everyone who watches porn becomes an addict, just like not all the people who work become workaholics.
Our predisposition to addiction also tends to thrive when we are someone who is more sensitive to emotions, our own and those of others. We absorb the anxiety, sadness and stress of other people, generating more for ourselves. We use all the respectable, and not so respectable, activities to cope up with these emotions. Immersing ourselves in work to deal with a break up, drinking an extra beer to release stress, workout to the point of injury to feel more in control or having a chocolate bar when our boss told us off. Do these behaviours sound familiar? For you, porn has somehow become the coping mechanism for uncomfortable emotions and feelings. Maybe you watch it when you experience a moment of stress, boredom, anxiety or sadness. Does this make you a bad or sick person?
We absorb the anxiety, sadness and stress of other people, generating more for ourselves. We use all the respectable, and not so respectable, activities to cope up with these emotions.
One can say that, when we have addictive reactions and patterns, our brain structures and behaviours resemble those of a child. Children find it challenging to regulate their cravings and emotions and so do we. Is that something to be ashamed of? Not really. Think about all the qualities that come from being a child that make us love them more than anything. Children are curious, creative, candid, expressive, excited, jovial. Any of these traits resonate with you? You might be sensitive but that makes you empathise with your wife more. You might crave for stimuli more often but that makes you also less boring.
You can still want to reduce your porn consumption to spend more time with your wife. The first step to diminish it will be to start becoming aware of the negative feelings that activate your behaviour. Watch out for triggers and note them down. Once you become aware of what is going on you can take the help of a therapist or coach to learn how to regulate your emotions in different ways.
Removing the shame around porn and self-pleasure will decrease the neurobiological reaction in your body and the urge to watch it.
The second step will be to speak to your wife about it. Removing the shame around porn and self-pleasure will decrease the neurobiological reaction in your body and the urge to watch it. The good news for you is that you are still attracted and aroused by your wife. This is important because many times porn addiction can lead to erectile dysfunction with a partner. Speak to your wife openly about your feelings, she will eventually appreciate your honesty and vulnerability.
