Are you practicing non-monogamy by collecting relationships left right and center? Do you see this practice as ‘community building’?
Well…You might be what the community refers to as ‘Collector’ instead 😉
You might not be using this term because of its negative connotations associated with oppression and slavery but many members of the ENM community do. We will call them the polypolice. Public opinion regarding Collectors varies vastly; some people think it’s cute and some equate it to the human equivalent of a dragon hoarding its loot. Not everything is quite as literal as it seems and yet, it can be incredibly lonely to spend all your time collecting new partners and no time on bettering yourself through self-reflection and strengthening the existing emotional bonds.
Maybe bolstering your self-esteem is a very powerful motivator for you. However, community judges believe that multiple partners serve as a temporary warmth for the feelings of inadequacy or self-worth you might have. Non-monogamy often presents itself as a double-edged sword. It provides individuals with the complete freedom to pursue whatever situations they like. However, amidst this freedom, many of us forget to cherish and nourish existing relationships, always delving into someone new. Is new relationship energy or fishing for new partners more exciting for you? It is surely a thread among Collectors.
The gap between the moral polyamorous police and Collectors lies in the intent and approach of the relationships. Polyamory is based on the principles of trust, consent, and regard for all partners, the poly police will uphold them at the cost of human error. Collectors, on the other hand, may use manipulative tactics to keep people in relationships without providing enough information on their role and importance. Does this ring a bell?
The poly police claim that Collectors often get polysaturated and do not have to spend time with themselves and their minds. It’s simple, the more metamours and partners the less time to think. For them having multiple partners is connected to the inability to be happy with oneself, not just for those practicing non-monogamy. But how to figure out when is too many and when is it enough? How many partners are too many and is it possible to maintain strong emotional connections with them all? We all know that the exact number varies for each person, with some individuals feeling polysaturated with just a few partners while others may handle more, but we should aim for polyperfection, right? While our hearts are capable of infinite love and there is no limit to the emotional connections one can form, the one limit that does pose a problem is time. According to some infinite love and infinite greed are the same for Collectors.
In the unspoken ENM code of conduct, a Collector’s polycule may feel that their uniqueness has been taken away and they are viewed as a prized position rather than a person with feelings separate from the herd. Have you never struggled with being unique in a world of seven billion people?
Collectors are really bad people, says the poly code of conduct. Some manipulate or use bait-and-switch methods to trap people in relationships. Often, these people find non-monogamy virgins and overwhelm them with the expectations that ethical monogamy brings without providing enough information to make decisions with informed consent. As we all know virgins are innocent.
The question of whether collecting multiple partners is about attraction or rather, a matter of cycle of validation is discussed amongst the polyelites. ”Someone who wants to have as many partners as possible could be showing off as well”, they say. What a cruel world we say.
The Collector mentality in non-monogamous, and monogamous, relationships is a complex issue. If you are still wondering whether you are a Collector, ask yourself if you see people as dispensers of needs. Needs can be of many kinds: physical, emotional, show-offy, financial, task sharing, etc. What needs are your partners fulfilling? What needs of theirs are you fulfilling? Do you feel you are so smart that you can ‘convince’ or manipulate people to be in a relationship with you? Does it mean that they are not getting anything back? Does it mean that you are in relationships with people who have no agency?
Maybe you identify as a polypolice instead! No worries, we have some introspective questions for you too. Do you enjoy cancel culture? What does canceling other expressions of non-monogamy make you feel? Righteous, superior, ethical, fair? Does expressing what is wrong in others make you feel better about yourself? Mainstream society often views freely loving one person as childish, loving someone of the same gender as unnatural, and being romantically involved with more than one person as either dishonest or cheating. Which non-mainstream monster are you chasing? Aren’t the mainstream ones not enough for you?
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