Is there anything like a good dominant

Beloved people,

Recently, someone asked me – “Who do you think is a ‘good’ Dominant?”  

Frankly, I don’t think there’s anything like a ‘good’ or ‘true’ or ‘best’, or ‘real’ dom/me. I think a dom/me is either compatible, or not. They are either responsible or not. Respectful, communicative, authentic, and experienced. Those are some of the terms I like to associate with doms that I choose to play with. 

So, that’s the context of how I responded to my acquaintance’s question.

Now here’s the thing. Having studied and lived the lifestyle for 17 years now, I have spent the longest part of my journey as a sub. However, that doesn’t mean I haven’t dominated or topped people in sessions. As a recipient as well as the giver, here are some of the key things that I look for in any dominant, even if it’s my own self.

I like doms who have a deeper purpose to the lifestyle. Whether that purpose is pleasure, or empowerment, these people are driven by growing and evolving in the journey. They aren’t simply running from one adventure to the next. One of my best relationships was with a dom who encouraged me to write my books on BDSM.

Doms who delve a bit deeper into understanding nuances of pleasure, pain, humiliation, love, affection, and connection really fascinate me. No, I do not expect people to hold psychology degrees, but I expect them to have looked deeper within themselves. 

Some of the best experiences I had, are with Dom/mes who respected me as a person. They respected me as a submissive too. They valued my inputs. They wanted to know me. What drives me, what fuels my ambition, who are my closest friends, who are the people I deeply care about – They cared to know this information. And they CHOSE to never abuse the privilege this information gave them.

Whether in a standalone session, or as part of a relationship, they were not in a hurry. They were sufficiently secure in their dominance, to share with me their vulnerabilities, limits, preferences, and boundaries. It’s not like they were perfect. They made mistakes of course. But they owned up, instead of being defensive.

A domme I briefly dated, panicked because of how intense it felt between the two of us. She ghosted on me initially, but since then she has made actual, sincere effort to repair the friendship. We both agreed that we were not ideal for each other as a D/s couple, but we continue to love each other as friends. It’s been almost 12 years since.

Most of these awesome and fabulous humans taught me through demonstration the importance of SSC (Safe, sane, consensual). They refused to play with me when I was drunk. They refused to play with me when I was a noob, and they knew they wouldn’t be able to give me sufficient aftercare the very next day. 

These people respected and established boundaries. They did not brush off my concerns, they stopped at a ‘red’, and they slowed down at a ‘yellow’. 

I was lucky to meet some really experienced, responsible, and ethical dom/mes. They set a really high bar of D/s standards for me. 

And the result? 

It made me a sub with a spine of steel. I have very low tolerance for liars, manipulators, consent coercers. Yet, I find it possible to trust people. I find it possible because of these amazing humans that kink and BDSM are perfectly normal ways of expressing myself. 

The result is that I am a caring domme who is absolutely comfortable with my sadistic streak. I can beat you black and blue, as long as I am sure that I can give you aftercare. Just the other day a male sub was high on the fact that no other domme they have played with (and they say that they’ve played with quite a few), had given them aftercare. My heart goes out to that friend.

Does this mean that dom/mes who do not give extensive aftercare are not responsible? Not really. Many subs DON’T NEED extensive aftercare. 

Does this mean that dom/mes who plan CNC scenes with their subs are manipulators? Not always. Some subs thrive on emotional masochism and as long as it doesn’t cause long-term damage to their psyche, who is anyone to say what’s right and what’s not.

All I am saying is that in my books, the cornerstones of any relationship are authenticity, communication, and kindness. Add SSC to the mix, and that’s what a great BDSM relationship looks like to me. 

Does it make me or any of my partners any less or any more of a Dominant? Hell, who cares, as long as we are on a meaningful joy ride together!

On that note, there’s a lot more to share with you over the next few pieces hopefully. 

Till then,

Have fun and play safe!
Asmi