Let’s talk about something I’ve been hearing a lot lately: “Not All Men.” It’s a phrase that seems to pop up every time a woman talks about her experiences with harassment, assault, or just feeling unsafe. And honestly, I get it. As a woman, I know that not every guy out there is the problem. But here’s the thing: when I, or any woman, share our stories and someone responds with “Not all men,” it feels like we’re being dismissed. It feels like the focus is shifting away from what really matters, and that hurts.
Let me explain why this phrase doesn’t help the way some might think it does. When we talk about feeling unsafe, about those times when a man has made us uncomfortable or worse, we’re not saying that every single man is guilty. We know that. But the truth is, enough men have done these things that it makes us cautious around all men. That’s just the reality we live in. When you respond with “Not all men,” it can come across like you’re more interested in defending yourself or your gender than in actually listening to our concerns. And that can feel really dismissive, even if you don’t mean it to be.
Imagine this: you’re at work, and a few people aren’t pulling their weight. It’s making your job harder, and you mention it to your boss. What if your boss responded with, “Well, not everyone’s like that”? It wouldn’t solve your problem, would it? You’d still be frustrated because the issue hasn’t been addressed. That’s how it feels when we talk about the fear of walking alone at night or the discomfort of being stared at, and the response is, “Not all men.”
When I share my experiences, what I really need isn’t to be reminded that not every man is a threat. I need you to understand why I might feel the way I do. I need you to acknowledge that while you might not be the problem, there’s still a problem that needs addressing. It’s about empathy. It’s about showing that you care more about the issue than about defending yourself.
And here’s the truth: it’s not about blaming you or making you feel guilty. It’s about asking for your help. It’s about asking you to be part of the solution. Because while it’s true that not all men are dangerous, the fact remains that enough are that women like me have to be cautious. We don’t want to be, but we don’t have much choice. What would really help is if, instead of getting defensive, more men listened, empathized, and took action.
Now, here’s something else that’s important: If you’re one of the good guys—someone who treats women with respect, stands up against harassment, and genuinely cares about making the world safer—thank you. But here’s the catch: expecting applause or compliments for simply being a decent human being? That’s not helping either. It’s great that you’re doing the right thing, but that’s what everyone should be doing, right? Treating others with respect, not harassing or assaulting them—these are the bare minimum standards of being a good person, not something that deserves special recognition.
When you expect praise for being “one of the good guys,” it can shift the focus back onto you, rather than on the issue at hand. It can make it seem like you’re helping for the validation, not because it’s simply the right thing to do. And that can feel really disheartening to women who are trying to have their voices heard and their experiences validated.
“Not all men” might be true, but it’s not the point. The point is that women like me are asking for support in making the world safer and more respectful for everyone. So, next time you hear someone say “Not all men,” I hope you’ll take a step back and think about how you can be part of the solution. Because while it might not be all men, it needs to be every man standing up to make things better.
And trust me, when you show that you care, when you stand up for respect and safety, it doesn’t go unnoticed. It makes a difference. We see it, and we appreciate it. But the real reward? It’s knowing that you’re helping to create a world where all of us—women and men alike—can feel safe, respected, and valued. That’s a world I want to live in, and I know you do too. So, let’s work on this together.
