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Your first time having sex as a queer person is always going to be a rather odd experience. I’m a bisexual woman and I spent most of my time wondering if I’m bi-curious simply because I’d only had sex with men so far.

I mean, kissing didn’t feel too different but oh my god, the prospect of having sex with someone of the same gender, absolutely terrified me. So, when I did finally end up having sex with another woman, I thanked all my lucky stars that she was an experienced bisexual woman.

Now, if you’re expecting something like a scene straight out of the movies, well, that’s definitely not going to happen. But it can feel like such a beautiful experience if you let yourself be.
Here’s a few things that helped me, that first time.


Breathe. Honestly, it’s very easy to lose your breath and get nervous. When you feel like things are going too fast or are getting too intense, just take deep breaths. Cuddles are often the best way to get started.


I know that every single blog, video, article, book and guide on the Internet talks about communication. But here, I’m talking about something as simple as asking someone where they like being touched and how. 

Especially when it comes to the same gender, we generally tend to know where we like being touched the most, what turns us on and more. So, it’s easier to talk about what works for each other and then go to town.

3.Try creating different sensations

From sucking, to tapping, to pinching – there’s a lot of sensations to be explored. Play around and figure out what works best.

4.Built it up

Amping up the pressure slowly is magical. It increases the intensity of the orgasm and it feels really, really good. And remember, it’s okay if you or your partner don’t orgasm during your first time together.

5. Go slow

There’s no rush, take your time and ask if what you’re doing feels right. Look for an enthusiastic response, and if you don’t get one, a seductive whisper asking them what they want you to do will definitely take you places. 

6.Show them the way you like being pleasured

One of the hottest things from my first time was when my partner had me sit on the edge of the bed, sat between my legs and then had me touch her like I would when I masturbate. IT WAS. HOT.

7.Take water breaks

Trust me, these are a great way to tease people too. Reminding them to drink while you make out with them can be quite the tease.

8.Use toys!

Obviously, this should be discussed beforehand, but use toys that both of you are comfortable with. The right vibrator is an absolute gamechanger.

9.Watch their body language and breathing

You want them to keep getting wound up slowly and then push them over the edge, slowly and steadily. Quick breathing, writhing, moans and gasps are all quite telling.

10.Start softly when you focus on the clitoris

Everyone’s clitoris is different. From lightly blowing on it to tapping, or even sucking on it, ask them what they like and adapt accordingly. Use your whole mouth when giving oral, not just your tongue. If something feels good and they react, MAINTAIN THE SAME PACE AND MOVEMENT. Don’t switch it up, it’ll only make them hit rock-bottom.

And don’t forget to use dental dams.

A dental dam is a thin, flexible piece of latex that protects against direct mouth-to-genital or mouth-to-anus contact during oral sex. This reduces your risk for sexually transmitted infections (STIs) while still allowing for clitoral or anal stimulation.

You can make your own dam with things you might already have in the house. A condom makes for a great dental dam.

To DIY it:

  1. Tear open the condom package and unroll it.
  2. Snip the tip and the rolled ends.
  3. Cut along one side of the condom.
  4. Roll out the latex sheet and use it in place of an official dental dam.

First time’s are messy, they can be weird and you’ll need to prepare yourself for all kinds of sounds, odd sensations and feelings. As long as both of you are comfortable around each other, you’ll have fun. And hey, even if your teeth clink against each other, or one of you falls off the bed (it happened to me), you’ll have a good laugh before going right back at it.

If you’re someone who feels anxious about your sexuality, struggles with low libido or intimacy, you can always opt for relationship counseling as well. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Writer Gayathri RN

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