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Dear Curator,

I went on a date with a guy I really like. We had been chatting for a while and had many things in common. When I met him during the date he told me he suffered from premature ejaculation and when we actually got intimate he ejaculated as soon as we started touching each other. I am glad he told me before but I was still a little lost when it happened because he immediately left my place as if I had done something wrong. I want to meet him again but now I feel hurt. Please help

Premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction carry a big bag of shame in penis owners’ equation with sex. It is very commendable that your date expressed that he had a problem before you got intimate, because most men don’t. It is too shameful for them to talk about it even to a professional so imagine what he must have gone through to be able to speak when dating. Shame is the fear of losing connection but also the cause of the lack of connection. That’s why it is very difficult to address. Your date had a great start by acknowledging the fear upfront but perhaps it was a little easier to do so when all the other senses were not activated.

Shame is corrosive and it crushes us. It distances us from people and robs us from our authentic selves. And great physical intimacy has a lot to do with connecting with our true selves, as well as that of our partner/s. External physical signs of shame are lowering of the head, avoiding eye contact, and slumping. Internally there is an over activation of the nervous system which causes a fight-flight-freeze response. Your date took flight because of shame not because you did something. Be compassionate towards his shame because it has served him at some point in life to cope with unwanted and uncomfortable situations.

What you will find useful is to look at your activation instead. Where is it coming from? A place of insecurity, some old guilt or responsibility you are carrying in the equation? Why are you feeling hurt from someone scared and running away?Flight is a very normal response to run when we feel under threat. Taking it personally might come from an old wound and healing that wound will take some introspection. Look at your own open wound and speak about it to him. When you will open up your vulnerability, it will be easier for him to tell you exactly what happened.

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