We are never in love with our exes. Maybe some past version of them from when we were dating. Yes, at some level we do love them and romanticise what they meant to us once upon a time. We are even, probably, deeply fond of them as a part of some heartbreak-alumnus-family of sorts. Maybe that’s what polyamory is afterall. But it helps to remember that they can never be the same again.
Because there’s no undoing the past. There is no unfucking. There is no time travel. There is an irreplaceable loss of innocence, trust or faith in each other. We fell in love for a very simple reason. Right time, right place, right person. A conflict we both enjoyed fighting together and slices of life we loved sharing together with a circle of trust we felt home at. At that point in time.
We wake up as different people every day. We change. We live a little, die a little. Love has that exact life cycle. Every day it lives as a day closer to its death. What do you do when it dies? What can you do when it hurts. Just know that hurt is good. It is a heartbreak.
That’s how we know we love. Hurt is how love becomes a part of our lives for eternity. Hurt is a souvenir of love. We can either celebrate it or poison it with hate. We can always use that hurt to say: “I don’t want to see your face ever again.” Or we can say: “It was great. We did something awesome that not even married people do. For as long as we did. Let’s stay friends. We will always have Paris.”
We don’t know what we will wake up as tomorrow. We don’t even know if we will wake up. Life is short. And the only way to fight the hurt in our heart is through love. Without repressing the presence of it. Without the baggage from the past we don’t need to carry into tomorrow. With hope and knowledge that the only thing that’s constant is change.
Seasons exist as proof that everything that all life goes through is a cyclical transformation. After fall comes winter. But summer is always around the corner. So is spring. Everything that happened will happen again. A few times if we are lucky. Who knows what would bloom again if we harvest love this season? This could be the beginning of a great friendship. Or more. Because there is a chance you will wake up as different people tomorrow who just might be right for each other.
Even if you don’t, you will feel happy you haven’t lost someone you cared for as one of your best friends. Losers lose. Lovers love. Friends stay. We decide who we want to be.Hate is toxic. Choose love.
Yes, you might get hurt again. But as Lloyd Dobler once said: I want to get hurt.
Writer Sudhish Kamath